In this, the first installment of an investigative weblog mini-series dubbed "The Culprit", I will attempt to place the blame of my poor dieting and lack of fitness on other entities to assuage myself of guilt... and after all, it's the American way.
The first Culprit under investigation? The Girl Scouts of America
That's right. The insidious clan of pre-pubescent girls who sell impossibly delicious (and arguably addictive) cookies with a merciless efficiency that would turn even the brightest Hitler Youth green with jealousy...
Yes, it's Girl Scout Cookie season. Or as we call it in my house "another reminder of Dan's inability to exercise will power." Not only do the Girl Scouts have a fool-proof system of having adorable little kids selling cookies (for $27 a box, or whatever they're charging these days), but the cookies (drugs?) they are delivering (dealing?) are so addicting that the word "addicting" simply does not suffice. They have a business model that would make Stringer Bell beam with pride. Notably, they report $700 million profit and some former members have been known to use their considerable cultural and political influence to leverage a lucrative career with non-profit organizations... and the untold fame & fortune that comes along with it.
And I, like Bubbles, simply cannot resist. When was the last time you had a Samoa? I submit to you that it is, simply put, the best mass produced cookie in the history of cookies. Delicious chocolate and caramel, a wonderful cookie crunch (like twix), and just the right amount of coconut. I think, if left to my own devices, I could eat 7 boxes in an afternoon of watching basketball. No, seriously, seven. Somewhere in the high single digits (8 or 9 boxes... approaching that 120 cookie number) I might think "hmmm... this has been a lot of cookies, maybe I should take it easy", but I'd plow through at least the first 5 without even giving it a second thought. I love cookies.
resistance is futile...---
Food day was so-so... delicious scrambled eggs for breakfast, Chipotle-lite (last day of the 2-for-1) for lunch, and a healthy frozen dinner from Kashi while working at REI. Also, I finished the Samoas. Oops. Food: B-
I was going to go for a swim today, but got caught up with some errands, watching MSU finish out the worst regular season I can ever remember, and then had to work at REI. Distance: 0
Weight: 233.8 lbs - probably as a result of not eating much at all yesterday. REAL hungry when I woke up. (note: I do not believe starvation is a good/sustainable method for weight loss)...
You finished ALL the Samoas?! I'm hiding the thin mints.
ReplyDeleteI told you to hide them in the first place! I am a weak man of questionable moral fiber! I cannot be trusted to not eat cookies by the truckload or make comments without double negatives!
ReplyDeleteI just saw kelly's link to this blog from facebook and I am sitting here laughing out loud!! I love it!! I totally agree about the girl scout cookies. This year I completely would not let them inside our house. I ordered some (out of guilt) from a girl at church and then gave them away to other people before I got in the car. It's my only way of avoiding eating them all in one sitting.
ReplyDelete1."The insiduous clan..." Is perhaps one of the most funny sentences ever composed. 2.I was glad to see Kate Brown's evil alliance with "the culprit" pointed out. Thank you for warning the public about this dangerous criminal still at large. 3. Samoas are my favorite too. Coconut and caramel in ONE cookie?! Damn you girl scouts of america.
ReplyDeleteThanks Meg. Glad you like the blog. Haha, I love that story... brilliant! I miss you guys.
ReplyDeleteThanks Hattie... and yes, I realize I directly compared the Girl Scouts to the Hitler Youth, drug dealers, and even threw in a subtle Klan reference all in one post. Some may call it reckless... but I say it's just hard-hitting journalism. If you can't handle the heat/facts... get out of kitchen/America.
ReplyDelete[...] Knee Posted on April 13, 2011 by Dan I really do intend to keep regularly logging-via-the-web my progress… but it has been a crazy busy week for me and I haven’t been able to get around to it. On the upside, I’m still *actually* participating in fitness related activities (or FRA’s), I just haven’t been chronicling it in my hilarious fashion quite so often. Sorry… hopefully you’ll find a way to cope. In regards to mechanisms for the aforementioned coping, I would recommend binging on Girl Scout cookies. [...]
ReplyDelete[...] on others… because this is America… so it can’t be my fault. Feel free to read Part 1 or Part 2 for [...]
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