Plotting Assassination

I recently attended a leadership conference where a distinguished expert on negotiations was giving a presentation that suggested that we essentially have “multiple selves”… and that we’re generally bad at negotiation with others, because we’re bad at negotiating with ourselves. Interesting.

As an object lesson, she gave an example of deciding to not eat a chocolate muffin, only later to convince yourself otherwise. She clearly understands her audience. (I mean, I’d obviously choose the cookie over the muffin but why pick nits). 

Anyway, this isn’t such a brand new concept (my lack of will power) but a new lens through which to see the problem. I am TERRIBLE at negotiating with myself… or, from a different perspective… one side of me is apparently AMAZING at negotiations. And that side loves food. Insatiably.

I give you exhibit A: From this past week, when I was trying to be *really* careful with nutrition because I knew my sub-200 weight goal was within reach. So how did that caution play out when I attended a Cubs game on Tuesday night? After 2 hot dogs (I’m at the ballpark after all), I went for one of these:

maybe a bit bashful... but there's some pride there too

No joke - because of the angle of the camera, that pretzel appears smaller than it actually is. Also, as far comparisons... I have a super huge freak-head. Just trust me, it's bigger than it looks (and it's not like it looks dainty).

Now my love for soft pretzels has been well-documented here, and there’s no better place to enjoy one than the ballpark… but in ADDITION to the hot dogs and beer, maybe a normal sized pretzel would suffice?

Nope, give me the one that could be used as flotation device. 

Also (and this should not surprise you), it was not cheap. I feel self-conscious giving a precise number, but how about this: you could get an entrée at pretty nice seafood place for around the same price. So, I had to eat it all because I didn’t want to waste money. That’s just LOGIC, people. 

But seriously, there’s a problem here. It’s not that I sometimes am just barely unhealthy. It’s that if I go off track even a little, I’m WAY off track. 

In political science terms: I’m either a fascist police state under martial law, or it’s the freakin’ purge around here. I have no middle ground. 

Anyway, so how will I out-maneuver and beat this side of me in a negotiation? Impossible. He is brilliant and inconceivably convincing. More extreme measures must be taken. I will assassinate him. I am going to run him to death. You see, working out is the kryptonite to his superman. 

The last week of July (after the Tour de France was over), I started running more seriously, and it wasn’t feeling as awful as running normally does. So in August, I started a bit of runstreak. First by accident, but then once it was going I wanted to keep it going. After two weeks my shins were feeling a little tight, and I thought the novelty of it wasn’t really worth the potential for injury (it ended up being a pretty big increase in mileage)… so for the first time in 14 days, I didn’t run yesterday. But once I’m in better shape, I think I’d like to go for a pretty long runtsreak. I guess we’ll see. 

 

August... no days off.

Either way, extreme-overfooding-Dan is toast. I will burn him up… and from the ashes… a more moderate middle-ground candidate will arise. Viva la revolución!

wait... again?

In May, when I became fed up with being in such terrible shape (240 pounds), I put down some goals for the summer as far as fitness.  I started a 10 week workout program (more on this later), and was hoping to drop 25 lbs by the end of the program: July 12 (during the end of schools and a double-session of summer school… a very busy time for me). That would get me to 215 (math!), and the secondary goal was to keep chipping away at that extra 15 and get sub-200 before school starts: August 26.

In my mind, this would get me to where I ought to be (as sort of “Phase 1” of sorts), and I could move on from there to better goals than just weight loss.

I hit my first goal on schedule… and have been nearing my second in the past couple weeks. Well, Saturdays are weigh-in days, and I’m proud to say I cracked 200 a week ahead of schedule.

been about two years since that number started with a "1"

At this point, long time readers (or really those who have known me for a couple years) are thinking “wait – we’ve seen this before, haven’t we?”

It’s sort of like when you start watching Friday Night Lights and you’re like “wait, is this a mockumentary about Varsity Blues?” … because it’s the exact same thing. 

Yes, you’ve seen this before. And yes, it dulls the accomplishment that I’ve see it subsequently squandered in years past. So that brings us to “Phase 2” (talking about things in phases feels pretty lame… I’m not sure what better word to use. restricted by my own vocabulary. how ironical.)

Basically, I need to get off the see-saw. But how? 

If you’d excuse a poorly executed and clichéd football analogy: the “prevent defense” isn’t working, so I’m gonna keep calling blitzes. Essentially, I’m not going to sit back and celebrate my accomplishment… I’m going to continue to try to set and complete new fitness goals (varying from fitness goals of years past such as “try not to eat that”) 

For instance, being lighter helps you do things. Like, I can run faster (not fast, but fastER). Really, if this is a hard concept to grasp, next time you’re in the gym, pick up a 45lb plate (about how much I lost) and then imagine running with that strapped to your chest. See what I mean? 

So my next goal will be to run a fast (for me) 10k this fall. I already run 10k distances pretty regularly, but I'm training for speed now. Which is weird. It's the first time I've ever *actually* done that. 

Then I’ll need some sort of carrot to chase for the spring (to keep me working through winter – which is key). I’m thinking a destination half marathon. And then maybe I’ll try to run the Chicago Marathon the following fall. We’ll see how it goes… but either way, I’m not letting up. Who knows, maybe after a while I can even become not-embarrassingly-slow. 

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PS I'm not going to include much about *how* I lost the weight, mostly because it's a relatively boring and uncomplicated version of "eat healthy and work out a bunch"

Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Mocked

In creating and (sort of) maintaining this minutiae of drivel in my own little corner of the blogoworld, I realize that at times I can, to a certain degree, exhibit a propensity toward self-deprecation… even self-judgment, But that doesn’t mean YOU can judge me. Don’t you dare! Don’t. You. Dare.

Especially if you’re trying to sell me food… which, aside from your judgmental insinuations, ought to be about as easy as selling a rearview mirror to a hummingbird! (you see… a hummingbird is the only animal that can fly backwards. also, I struggle with similes.)

Perhaps some backstory would be helpful: in July I watched the Tour de France, and they ran commercials for a (relatively) new website called thefeed.com which offers energy food for endurance athletes. Generally speaking, I like this stuff. I used to get it when I worked at REI and bring it along longer bike rides… although now I don’t really bike or run long enough to justify it. Also, I can’t get over how weird it is to eat while running… at least with cycling you’re already sitting down.

Anyway, The Feed also is supporting a 100 mile bike race I’m doing in October to support a cool charity (more on this later), and they had a free water bottle promo… so I figured what the heck. I know I said I can’t justify it like 3 sentences ago, but I’ll buy a box of stuff anyway. #muricka

I got a few gels, a few chews, and a bunch of waffles (not real waffles, but the kind that people eat as energy food)… because they’re awesome. Especially for morning rides (note: REAL waffles are also awesome… but less so while riding a bicycle.)

The parcel arrived promptly, delicious goodies and free water bottle all accounted for… with a nice personalized touch of customer service on the inside of the box…

The Goods from The Feed

Wait… it’s definitely personalized, but was it “nice”?

Who’s invited? Who’s invited?! 

Uhhh… I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was gonna eat ‘em all myself.

What are you trying to say here? That I ordered more waffles than is reasonable for one person? … because I thought I was showing remarkable restraint. The only thing holding me back from ordering *significantly* more is my incredible stinginess.

Anyway, this sat open for a while on my counter, and every time I looked in that direction, it irked me just a little bit more. Who’s invited.

The Feed was turning into that obnoxious friend at a social gathering who is dropping not-so-subtle hints that you’re a pig. It’s basically a “hey george, the ocean called” situation.

You know that friend, kinda louder, and acts like what (s)he says isn’t offensive, but it sort of is though... They comment and remark on things like:

At a restaurant: “Boy, you really like the salsa, huh?” 

yeah, it’s free and it's salsa and I have a pulse. plus they’re just going to bring more after I finish it. why aren’t YOU eating more? 

At a party with a good cheese spread: “whoa – look at all that cheese! Ya bringin’ some back for a friend?” 

who needs friend with all this cheese. There are only two people at this party: me, and people trying to eat my cheese. 

At a family gathering: “hey Dan, isn't that like your fifth piece of pie?” 

Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know Comrade Commissar had released the new PIE RESTRICTIONS for this season! What’s that? It’s not 1983 in soviet Russia?! Then how about this: PIE IS DELICIOUS AND I’LL EAT AS MUCH AS I LIKE! 

Anyway, The Feed… the waffle party will be in my mouth. And no one is invited. Feel free to RSVP for the after-party. 

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PS - If anyone from The Feed actually reads this, your website is actually pretty cool. And thanks for helping sponsor the Fatcyclist's 100 Miles of Nowhere. Please feel free to send me free stuff.

PPS - sorry for ending with potty humor.