An Ode To Donuts
Oh, Donuts, you are dough
Fried and covered with delicious sugar-based flavors
Glazed, Chocolate, Cream-Filled
You're glorious no matter what
Although jelly-filled aren't the best.
What brilliant mind birthed you?
Such a testament to human ingenuity
Circular, Everlasting, You complete me
Warm, soft, comforting, intoxicating...
I love you.
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Apple Cider Donuts
For the last couple months, I've usually been doing a long run on Saturdays. This takes me through downtown Wheaton, and past the Farmers' Market. The booth closest to the prairie path I run on is always fresh-made apple cider donuts. The transcendence of that smell is well beyond my lexical ability to describe. It is the greatest thing I've ever smelled. And I run by it twice.
Each and every time I've run past it, I've had the same thought: "I should stop running immediately, and eat ALL of those donuts."
Then I remember I have no money (I don't run with a wallet), and wonder what I could barter for a donut: "I wonder if the guy working that booth will take this GPS watch in exchange for one of those impossibly delicious smelling donuts."
Ultimately, I just keep running... and while I improve my fitness, a little part of my soul dies from intense sorrow and longing.
Last week, after conveying some of these emotions to my beautiful and wonderful wife, I was getting some work done on our basement when she left and purchased the very same apple cider donuts I had smelled that morning on a cold and rainy run!
They were hot and delicious and so satisfying that I am still unwilling to rule out some degree of divine intervention during the course of their creation and/or my consumption of them. I love donuts.
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| the gates of heaven are made of fresh apple cider donuts |
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Gourmet Donuts
Sometimes at school people bring in donuts that are from a REAL donut shop. Have you ever had these? I mean, I love Dunkin or Krispy as much as the next guy (that's a lie, I love them WAY more than the next guy), but have you ever had REAL donuts from a REAL donut shop? The difference is like having a REALLY good burger vs McDonald's. No contest.
Tomorrow, go buy some real donuts.
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| sometimes just simple "glazed" can't be beat |
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The Bacon Long John
One time in Iowa City, I ate a Bacon Maple-Glazed Long John. This was the closest I've ever come to having my entire chest tattooed as the American flag.
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| my country tis of thee, sweet land of liberty... |
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How many donuts do you think I could eat?
I've wondered about this question for while now. To a degree I'm restrained by the societal norms to which we've grown accustomed. I realize that if someone brings donuts to a meeting, eyebrows start to be raised once I've had 3 or 4... so I should try to keep it to only 5 or 6 to avoid any direct confrontation. (I'm fine with silent judging, I just don't want to have to actually face the imminent shame).
Anyway, without society's silly unwritten rules, I honestly think I would down about a dozen before I even notice. You know that feeling when you've eaten a lot of something, and you think "boy, this is the third gravy boat I've emptied at this meal -- maybe I should take it easy"...? I'm saying that wouldn't even cross my mind til I've finished the first box of donuts. Somewhere between 15 and 20, I think I'd start to consider "hmmm... that's a lot of fried dough and sugar. how are you feeling, stomach?" And then my taste buds would just scream "MOOOOOORRE!!! WE LOVE DONUTS!" and drown out whatever response was forthcoming. So I'd just keep eating.
Around the end of the second box, I bet I'd start feeling a bit sluggish... and potentially not super great. This would depend on how much coffee I'd have along with the donuts, but I'm guessing I start to slow down around the two dozen mark. At that point, I think it's no longer for pleasure -- it's a bit uncomfortable, and the answer begins to depend on the purpose of the question.
If the question behind the question is "how many donuts would I eat, uninhibited?" I think the answer is close to two dozen. If the question is "how many donuts COULD I eat (if I was pushing it)?" I think the answer is quite a bit more. I bet I'd eat another box... so I'm going to answer "pretty close to 3 dozen".
For those of you thinking I'm exaggerating... I'm not quite certain you are aware of what you're dealing with here. This, essentially, is my super power. And if you're thinking of mocking me for my predilection toward the greatest food ever created -- I am impervious to your shallow criticism. People always fear what they do not understand.
(for purposes of the above estimates, I am assuming simple glazed dunkin donuts, unlimited coffee, and a relatively loose time limit of "a morning")
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