It's been a while since my Culprit post... but that's not to say I haven't been properly shifting blame to those rightfully responsible for my nutritional and athletic demise -- it just hasn't been done quite as publicly.
In this installment, I'd like to finally bring to light (and eventually bring to justice) a particular assemblage of people who have been getting away with this sort of odious behavior far too long: the generous.
That's right. Generous people have been bringing me down for years! And I'm not going to stand for it! Worse than their callous "generosity" is the insidious perception of innocence it conveys. Well, I know what you're really up to, you givers of gifts: trying to hold me back from reaching my potential as a slightly-below-average-middle-aged athlete.
Let me explain... normally it looks like this: I'm going about my day, minding my own business, and then nice people give me things.
It's the worst.
As you're well aware from the 3rd edition of the Culprit, I am terrible at resisting food in general and free food in particular. Many of the gifts I receive either include food or ARE food. While these food-gifts ("fifts" or "foofts") take many forms, the most perfidious version merits its own special attention here: food-gifts left in the teachers' lounge.
You may or may not be aware that I am a teacher - certainly a job replete with myriad rewards and challenges. Some people (naive simpletons) would have you believe that one of the "rewards" is the constant showering of gifts - especially food-gifts - that teachers receive. For instance, every Friday at my school a family supplies "teacher appreciate treats" and leaves all manner of foodstuffs to be consumed in the teachers' lounge.
Cold-blooded.
And it's not just Fridays. Leftover lunch food? Leave it in the teachers' lounge. Leftover pizza? Teachers' lounge. Leftover panera lunch from a meeting? Leftover baked goods from a morning meeting? Leftover dessert from any function whatsoever? Teachers' lounge.
Add to that the Friday treats, and little "extras" such as donuts to celebrate the first week of school (yes, seriously) and the picture is becoming clear: The teachers' lounge is a smorgasbord of nutritional imprudence. For someone who can barely resist food at all... and essentially canNOT resist free food, this is where the "generous" have defeated me.
The teachers' lounge is like the elephant graveyard from the Lion King... an elephant graveyard for my aspirations and accomplishments.
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| the teacehers' lounge... where my dignity goes to die. |
And just like young Simba... I know not to go. But I can't help myself.
"I need to run to the main office - I'll just swing through the teachers' lounge."
"I should fill up on some water/coffee - just a quick stop in the teachers' lounge."
"Time to head over to chapel - I'll take the long route... through the teachers' lounge."
This is a cry for help. I can't avoid that place. The free food calls to me like a beautiful siren song... and the consequences are disastrous.
"Oh look, some generous person brought candy corn! I know it's essentially unflavored high fructose corn syrup and that I'm trying to be healthy... but I'll just have a 5 or 6 handfuls."
[45 minutes later]
"Hmmmmm I wonder if there is any of that candy corn left in the lounge. I'll just stop by and see if... oooo! CAKE!"
But here's the thing. This isn't *MY* fault. You already know I have no discipline or restraint, and it's certainly not my responsibility to develop self-control. That's preposterous. It's your responsibility to stop providing me with such calamitous potential consequences.
That's right. I see through your plans, "generous" people. Now if only I had the will-power to do anything about it...
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