Superfoods: The Lure of Cookies and the Threat of Kale

As this web-based-log has detailed some of my culinary trials and tribulations, I’ve had the pleasure to expound upon some of the finer delicacies available to the human palate.

I’ve discussed girl scout cookies, good burgers, breakfastfood, pretzels, (a plate of) cheetos, and of course donuts. But I haven’t done my readers the benefit of laying out my superfood hierarchy.

You see, “nutritional scientists” have labeled certain foods “superfoods” because of various health properties (high number of antioxidants, for instance), and in so doing, completely misled an entire generation of consumers.

Don’t get me wrong, I like blueberries and flax seed as much as the next guy (assuming it’s encased in something chocolate), but we’re missing the larger point here. To provide normal food with the prefix "super" demands a certain degree of superiority that many of our current “superfoods”, frankly, lack. (also, superfoods aren’t a real thing… just something someone made up to try to sell oatmeal or quinoa or fish or something. You can’t even really find a real list. There is this list of 10 on webmd… or this list of 52(!) on Woman’s Day. 

Allow me to help clarify this situation. To unwrap the enigma. To dispel the pseudo-scientific urban legends. To bring order out of chaos.

The following items are actual superfoods – and ought to be afforded the proper respect and deference that their rightful position warrants.

Donuts – Already discussed here.

Burritos – Sure, sometimes you’re in a taco or fajita mood. But for day-in day-out supremacy, I choose the ubiquitous burrito. Take all the goodness and wrap it in a tortilla. Preferably, one with the size and weight of a brick.

Peanut M&Ms - The perfect candy. Two of nature's most perfect products: the peanut (which almost deserves its own post) and chocolate (which is magic chemical happiness) perfectly proportioned and wrapped in a thin candy shell. Elegant brilliant simplicity. Bravo.

Soft Pretzels – At the ballpark or at home… this is the greatest snack that exists. Also, please sign my petition to make ALL buns pretzel buns. In what possible scenario would you ever want a bun that’s NOT a pretzel bun? I can’t even imagine.

Guacamole – I was going to just put avocados here. As the fatcyclist astutely observed, they’re basically fat that grows on trees. Just think about that. Amazing. But guacamole is avocado in its highest form. The delicious buttery smooth avocado, a marvel unto itself, cannot aspire to meet a higher end than become guacamole. 

The Chocolate Chip Cookie – Oatmeal raisin, snickerdoodle, black/white, peanut butter… all sorts of cookies are delicious and have their own valuable niche. But, ultimately, all succumb to the unquestionable superiority of the homemade chocolate chip cookie. There is no equal. It rules all.

This is not an extensive list by any means. I reserve the right to add, amend, or otherwise alter it. (in fact, I will definitely be adding to it soon) Also, it’s broad by design. I haven’t discussed what establishment serves the BEST soft pretzels, for instance… because the subsequent discussion would result in unreadably long blog posts for each food item.

But for just a moment, I’d like to focus on the last item on the list. This has become a bit of a theme for me in this space, but when it comes to chocolate chip cookies… I just can’t help myself.

On Friday, someone brought in homemade chocolate chip cookies in the teachers lounge (which I’ve previously dubbed the elephants’ graveyard of my dignity). They were perfect. Just the right amount of chewiness and crispness. Just the right amount of chocolate. A few dozen little works of art.

So I had a couple. Even though it was 9am – I figure it’s basically the same ingredients as a muffin. I call it “the breakfast cookie” (note: yes, I do this enough that I have a name for it). They were so good, and went perfect with coffee. "hmmm... think I’ll have a couple more."

In total, I’m not sure how many I had. But it was more than 5.

So when Kelly texted me a picture of her making chocolate chip cookies with a “happy friday!” caption… despite feeling a rush of gratitude, I felt the need to confess that I had already more than maxed out what can be considered a responsible amount chocolate chip cookies to eat for the day (week?).

Her response shows the kind of sensitive, caring accountability that is fostered over seven years of loving marriage...

You see… because of my irresponsibility (and her fear of “the winter balloon”, which could potentially be the title of my autobiography), she has threatened to replace the BEST food (chocolate chip cookies) with the very WORST food that exists (kale).

To the defenders of kale: shame on you. Look around you at what you have done. Kale is the WORST. Stop pretending like it’s not. Kale tastes like you took old spinach and soaked it in asparagus urine and then left it in the sun. Who eats spinach and thinks “hmmm this is pretty bland and vegetable-y already, but can we make it more bitter with a worse aftertaste? I want to make a statement about how healthy I am every time I order it.” It’s a permanent blot on the legacy of our society. Every nation has its deep shame. I used to think ours was the treatment of Native Americans… but now I’m pretty sure it’s kale.

Anyway, I appreciate the accountability. Nothing is more motivating than the avoidance of kale. After all, I have to prevent the winter balloon…